New Year Blues

Anyone else not totally thrilled with a new year? As calendars turned over, I saw comment after comment excited about the new year. "Yay! A new year," "I love the new year, a fresh start," "Looking forward to a new year," etc. But for me I found that it only brought this vague feeling of dread.
The past year was a bad one for me and mine. We lost three babies, an uncle, and Boy's employment. I was looking forward to it being over, to having a chance for things to turn around. I just wanted to put that year and all it's bleakness behind me. But as the new year started, I realized that I didn't feel different. I didn't have a greater feeling of hope or a sense of a clean slate. Instead, I felt a subtle current of fear. What if this year isn't any different? What if we can't figure out why I've had four miscarriages so far? What if I have more? What if Boy isn't able to find a job? What if he finds one and it turns out to be bad? What if this year holds some other unexpected tragedy? This time last year, I had no idea what the months would hold for me. I certainly wasn't expecting all the heartache that would come. I want that clean slate, fresh start, but I realize that just because I pulled out a new calendar doesn't mean I've pulled out a new life. So I feel somewhat scared about what might happen this year.
I want to be someone who counts their blessings instead of focusing on the dark spots, so I talked to Boy today and asked him, "What were some of the good things of this past year?" We could think of a few - certainly watching Bug grow and develop, starting to speak in sentences, learning how to pedal his trike, gaining comfort and confidence in group settings; also a new nephew, enjoying times at the in-laws cottage,

Bug at the cottage

and starting a games night with some friends - but, those things feel overshadowed, creating a dark year for us.
I greatly hope that this year will be one of joy and celebration for us - a great job, a new baby, continued time to connect with family and friends. God willing, there is a change just over the horizon for us, something to give us hope and that fresh start. Heck, even writing all this down has given me a slightly brighter outlook.

I've never been one for New Year's resolutions, but in the spirit of fresh starts and new focus there is one thing that I want to do - sit down with Boy and detail a family vision. It's something that's been on my mind for a while now. Thanks to blogs like Passionate Homemaking and The Mommypotamus the idea of a family vision has been growing on me, and I can see the potential benefits it would have. It doesn't have to be anything huge or complicated, simply a list of what our priorities are and simple things that will help our lives to reflect them. For example, for us family is very important, not just our little family, but extended as well. One thing that I want to start doing to strengthen those bonds, is set up regular Skype dates with grandparents and other family we live far from. I think having a family vision written down will give us more focus and something to fall back to when making decisions, "Does it fit with our family vision?"  That's my new start for our new year, something fresh and hopeful to focus on.

May your new year be full of joy and wonderfulness. May sorrow be a stranger.