This blog is small glimpses into my heart and soul - attempts to be transparent with friends, and sometimes, to myself. This is my safe place, where I can come and be purely Ness.

Family: If you found your way here, please do me a favor and don't poke through my closets, ok?

Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year, Same Old Fear

Last year about this time, I wrote a post on the new year and feeling skeptical of what it would hold, worried that it would be as bad as the year before it. As this new year is staring me in the face, I'm not sure I feel much differently. 2010 was a year of loss, 2011 was a year of waiting (waiting on doctors, waiting on tests, waiting on answers, waiting on a job), and now 2012 is here and we have a job, a doctor, and what very little answer they could give us. So now it's time to try again.
There are moments when I'm excited and hopeful, but it's hard not to feel the fear. I want another little one. I've actually always wanted four. I thought four would be pretty perfect - avoid the middle child issue, and if it worked to have two boys and two girls, everyone would have a brother and everyone would have a sister. Perfect. In the past few months it's been concreted in my mind that our family will most likely never have more than two children. It's so sad to me. It's been a very hard thing to come to terms with, but I don't think I can go through this again. The losses, the fear, the anxiety. I'll persevere until I have another baby (or until I just can't anymore), and then that's it. I'm done. It breaks my heart. Even if we could figure out what exactly was wrong and how to fix it, I will be getting past the age where I wanted to be having children. I know I'm not that old, but I think I imagined that by 35 I'd be done, not part way through.
Anyway...... Fear. Fear is mostly what I feel now. Not overwhelming, not yet, but there. Whenever I think about this year ahead, I'm a bit afraid. We are still figuring out our new life in this new place, with Boy's new job, figuring out what things look like here - how much time will work take, how stressful will it be, what kind of schedule will Bug and I figure out, who will be our friends here, will we have friends? It's all a bit unsettled still with uncertainty having it's own small factor of fear, but the biggest thing we face right now is trying again. Trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant. We tried for over a year with no success, and as each pregnancy seemed to get shorter in duration, I've wondered if I've gotten to the place where I will have trouble getting pregnant at all.
We have no real answers for all our losses. Despite all the tests, there can be found nothing wrong with me. Except something isn't working properly or we wouldn't be here.  Right now our RE is recommending that I try thyroid meds, because my "high, but still normal" levels may or may not be a contributing factor. So that's it. I go on some drug, hope that it makes a difference, and dive in. Just a little bit terrifying. I don't know what I face this year. Will it be loss? Will it actually be pregnancy, which I will never again be able to get through without feeling varying levels of fear, from just a bit anxious to paralyzingly terrified? Will it take us months to get pregnant, worrying, afraid that somehow I've come to the place where I can't do it at all?
Oh Jesus, save me from the fear. This is not the life I want to lead. I don't want my moments to be wrapped up in the unknown and what it might mean to me. I want to live freely, vibrantly, expectantly. Trusting in Christ, God's love for me, has always been hard. Some of my experiences have made it harder still. I have not completely healed from all of that, from the pain of loss, and the bitterness it can bring, but I know that I'm not done yet. I am closer to Jesus than I was last year, and I believe this year will be bring me closer still. I have been able to recognize his love in my life more clearly, and I've felt as though those nerve endings that connected me to the Spirit have been slowly reviving. I imagine that it's similar to what someone with temporary paralysis might feel as things begin to heal. A tingling at first, ever so slight movement, a long slow process before full feeling, mobility, and strength are returned. We're early stages yet, but enough to give hope, to let me know that things are far from over.
So I'm afraid. But, I'm not content to let that be all. I am moving forward in my fear, trying and figuring out what it means to trust Jesus when nothing is certain.
Right now, the word I see what I look ahead to this year is "fear," but hopefully, when we get to the end, I will be able to look back with something much more positive, like "healing" "renewal" "strength" "comfort" or even "baby."