This blog is small glimpses into my heart and soul - attempts to be transparent with friends, and sometimes, to myself. This is my safe place, where I can come and be purely Ness.

Family: If you found your way here, please do me a favor and don't poke through my closets, ok?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

New York, New York – Here We Are

So as we neared the end of our many long hours on a train, Bug began to reach the end of his amazing patience. He was becoming just too antsy to stay in his seat. Really, he did remarkably well. He'd been on the train for eight hours and now he just wanted to move around, at least be in a new spot. It was a bit difficult that the new spot he chose was the middle of the aisle, but we just did our best to make sure he moved before someone was trying to get by.

When we finally got off the train, we were so eager to get outside. Bug wanted to ride in the stroller (being ready to fall asleep) and no one was thrilled to find we had three flights up to ground level. Sunshine at last! After some finagling with luggage and which direction to go, we began our walk to the hotel.
Made it to the hotel, and first disappointment - our room is on the third floor. Second - there is no such thing as away from the elevator. Third - this room is half the size of our bedroom, and the tub is half the size of our tub. No robes, no room service, no chair to sit in. Poo. I won't (well, maybe) complain too much since we aren't paying for the room and I know how much it costs. :o But really, it was difficult to realize that a large portion of our time will be contained by this room. Bug goes to bed about 6-6:30 each night, meaning we are here with him after that. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. I may be blogging a lot more this week. :P
Bug was asleep before we'd passed a few minutes walking, and stayed out like a light until we tried to change him at the hotel. Some nursing and he was out again.
 He's already woken once since then, so I'm wondering if the poor eating habits, and over-tiredness will make this a frequent wake night. I guess we shall see. I'm also worried about the bed. It's king size, but at home we have a king and a crib pushed next to it, so when Bug wants his own space, it's not an issue. I'm a very afraid that he will sleepily scootch over to "his bed" only to find himself fallen on the floor. Not cool. I really don't know what to do about it. Normally, I'd push the bed over to the wall, but the arrangement of this room doesn't allow for that. I have had one incident where he has fallen while we were sleeping in a strange bed, and it has made nervous about it happening again. Plus, there are these lovely built in nightstands that he will likely hit his head on on the way down. Those I will try to pad with pillows, but so far it's not working very well.
Alright, I'm so tired now, I've got to go to bed. We shall see how this goes. I can hear the never ending traffic and many conversations floating up to our window, and while I could happily people watch for ages, I don't really want them in my sleep.
Overall, It has  been interesting to mesh the really cool, "I'm in New York!," and look at the architecture on these buildings, and the street vendors, and the shops!, with the  fighting against the flow of people, dealing with so much second hand smoke, and the foreignness of the city.  So it's super cool, but I kind of hate it at the same time.

New York, New York – Here We Come

Ok, so if you have a better choice, don’t choose the wake your child at 2:45 am to drive for three hours and then get on a train for nine.  Unfortunately for us, this was the best choice. I’m so tired.
 Bug is doing remarkably well despite having asked several times to go home. He loved the novelty of getting up in the middle of the night, thank goodness – I was prepared to have to deal with a screaming toddler upset about being disturbed from his sleep and not being able to get his precious “sidey” to resettle him.  It did mean that he didn’t go back to sleep for an hour and then he slept only briefly. So he’s working on a deficit of about four hours - eight hours of sleep instead of his usual twelve – we are so going to run into problems later.

 He was also a big fan of seeing and getting on a train, even though he is getting bored with not having much freedom to move or climb. (He really wants to climb stuff. He’s climbing my arm and sitting on my shoulders as I write this.) We brought along some books, stickers, new activity books, and snacks to keep him entertained. He’s enjoying the occasional walk up and down the aisles with his Daddy, and hopefully that will be enough activity until we can get off.
 So far, I think we are doing pretty well for traveling with a toddler. Only one meltdown when I flushed the strange train toilet instead of him (apparently the whole car could hear his piercing scream, lovely), and a few moments of frustration. He’s generally calm, coming to me to nurse when he wants some quiet time. I am feeling pretty comfortable with nursing him here, whether it’s the privacy the seats afford or the knowledge of how much he’ll need it, I’m not sure, but he’ll have his sidey whenever he needs it.  
We are now half way through the train ride, and I’m grateful for how well things have gone. Happy early morning wake, non-crying car ride, easy border crossing, arrived for the train early, and a reasonably content Bug. Also, a previously very stressed Boy has calmed considerably is working to make this ride as easy for me as possible. I’m sure that all the people I asked to pray are doing so. Trips are never this smooth for us.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

In Which I Am Not Pregnant

The past two weeks (well, just under) and been overly stressful. Boy and I decided to try one more time for a baby before stopping to wait for tests. A few days into the "two week wait" I was beginning to feel what could be pregnancy symptoms. I knew it was early yet, so I waited patiently. The patience lasted until I was about a week through and I had a complete emotional breakdown. Then I realized I was either pregnant or crazy. I was more and more convinced that I was indeed pregnant - heartburn, leg cramps, aching hips, runny nose, sore boobs, insomnia, mood swings. What else could be going on?

Then the back ache started. Oh, the familiar back ache. The indication that all is over. I hung on to hope. Some moments, I was convinced I was pregnant and feeling like it was all going to be ok. Some moments, I was certain I was pregnant and my body was already moving into miscarriage. Occasionally, I was just wondering what was going on. Was I really pregnant or not?

Eventually I gave into the temptation to test. Eight days past ovulation and a negative test. Well, really, it's too early to test anyways. Didn't you know that? Ten days past ovulation and a negative test. Ten days - nobody gets a positive at ten days. Hmm, but maybe, maybe I'm not pregnant...  Twelve days past ovulation and a negative test. Well, it's still early. Lots of people get negative tests this early.  But - I get a postitive test this early. Maybe I'm really not pregnant! That would also mean I'm not miscarrying! Oh, thank God. I don't know if I could handle another miscarriage right now. I'm still not convinced, but I think I will just be relieved. Thirteen days past ovulation and the barest hint of signs of period start to show.

And the sadness crashes down. The disappointment sets in. What the heck? I thought I would mostly be relieved to be not miscarrying, but somehow I'm so sad that there is no baby. Rationally, I know it's partly due to the crazy hormones that have been going on. Rationally, I know that I'm glad to not be fearing, dreading another miscarriage. Rationally, I know that it's probably good that we will now be waiting until our appointment, until tests are discussed and preformed, until we have a few more answers. Rationally, I know that it will be good for us to have a little break from baby maybe and worry and fear. But then, emotions aren't rational and I carry this weight around with me. I'm not pregnant.