This blog is small glimpses into my heart and soul - attempts to be transparent with friends, and sometimes, to myself. This is my safe place, where I can come and be purely Ness.

Family: If you found your way here, please do me a favor and don't poke through my closets, ok?

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

In Which I Am Not Pregnant

The past two weeks (well, just under) and been overly stressful. Boy and I decided to try one more time for a baby before stopping to wait for tests. A few days into the "two week wait" I was beginning to feel what could be pregnancy symptoms. I knew it was early yet, so I waited patiently. The patience lasted until I was about a week through and I had a complete emotional breakdown. Then I realized I was either pregnant or crazy. I was more and more convinced that I was indeed pregnant - heartburn, leg cramps, aching hips, runny nose, sore boobs, insomnia, mood swings. What else could be going on?

Then the back ache started. Oh, the familiar back ache. The indication that all is over. I hung on to hope. Some moments, I was convinced I was pregnant and feeling like it was all going to be ok. Some moments, I was certain I was pregnant and my body was already moving into miscarriage. Occasionally, I was just wondering what was going on. Was I really pregnant or not?

Eventually I gave into the temptation to test. Eight days past ovulation and a negative test. Well, really, it's too early to test anyways. Didn't you know that? Ten days past ovulation and a negative test. Ten days - nobody gets a positive at ten days. Hmm, but maybe, maybe I'm not pregnant...  Twelve days past ovulation and a negative test. Well, it's still early. Lots of people get negative tests this early.  But - I get a postitive test this early. Maybe I'm really not pregnant! That would also mean I'm not miscarrying! Oh, thank God. I don't know if I could handle another miscarriage right now. I'm still not convinced, but I think I will just be relieved. Thirteen days past ovulation and the barest hint of signs of period start to show.

And the sadness crashes down. The disappointment sets in. What the heck? I thought I would mostly be relieved to be not miscarrying, but somehow I'm so sad that there is no baby. Rationally, I know it's partly due to the crazy hormones that have been going on. Rationally, I know that I'm glad to not be fearing, dreading another miscarriage. Rationally, I know that it's probably good that we will now be waiting until our appointment, until tests are discussed and preformed, until we have a few more answers. Rationally, I know that it will be good for us to have a little break from baby maybe and worry and fear. But then, emotions aren't rational and I carry this weight around with me. I'm not pregnant.