Lately I've been feeling like I'm failing at everything, but especially at being a mama. I think it's probably tied into how miscarrying affects my feelings as a mother (not being able to protect them and take care of them = major mama failing), and also because being a mama is my biggest role right now. There are also so many other stressors in my life right now, that so little energy is left for this role. I find myself short on patience and ideas and energy. I'm snapping more, saying "no" a lot, and giving so little time to this one that needs me. I feel like I'm forcing him all the time. Gently forcing, but forcing none the less. I can't figure out how to teach and guide and convince him to do the things that need to be done - like eat and sleep and tidy - without just saying, "You have to. I'm sorry you don't want to, but this is what we're doing," which wouldn't be so horrible if it didn't turn into a fight half the time. I don't like to physically struggle with my son to get his diaper and pajamas on, and constantly bring him back to the bed crying, because he doesn't want to sleep, he wants to play; or tell him again and again, "Eat. Eat. EAT. It's supper time. You need to eat," and then deal with him saying at bedtime, "I'm hungry," and knowing that it might very well be true, because he didn't actually eat that much at supper, but now he really needs to sleep, and if I let him eat, he'll end up being overtired and not sleeping very well, except if he really is hungry he won't sleep well either. (ahhh! deep breath)
Anyways, I'm super struggling with the whole discipline (as in teaching, not as in punishing) thing, and I'm not really sure how to figure it out. I'm frequently drawn to the "let your child express themselves/be their own person/work with, not against" style of parenting, but occasionally it does seem to go too far or have a very humanist view point. I very much want my parenting to be Biblically sound (not in the "you must spank you child" kind of way, cause I really don't think it says that), to honor God, and to teach my son just how much God loves him, but I can't figure out what that all means or how to do that. So I have these two ideas about parenting that I think should mesh, but no idea how do either one, let alone put them together. My lack of energy and patience is not helping.
I feel like I'm hunting for gold, except I only have this vague idea of what a mine is, I've never heard of a pick-axe, and my headlight is on backwards. As I search through this semi-darkness, stumbling around, I can only hope I'll do more good than harm, and perhaps someone who's been this way will pass by and offer a helping hand.
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