This blog is small glimpses into my heart and soul - attempts to be transparent with friends, and sometimes, to myself. This is my safe place, where I can come and be purely Ness.

Family: If you found your way here, please do me a favor and don't poke through my closets, ok?

Monday, March 28, 2011

Have You Thought About Stopping?

Had a recent online conversation that went like this:
"How many is this?"
"Five."
"Have you thought about stopping?"

I'm pretty sure it was said out of some level of concern for me, but really? The question is somewhat thoughtless, both the obvious "not thinking about how it might make me feel" thoughtless, and the less obvious "not thinking about the human body and how it works" thoughtless. You can't get to this place without thinking about stopping. FIVE miscarriages. Each one heart rendering pain. You know pain is the natural deterrent. Pain is your body sending messages to your brain, "Stop doing that!" That's why so many people think spanking is a good discipline option. They want to take advantage of the "avoid pain" function of the brain. So when you repeatedly go through something that causes pain, you at least consider the option to stop doing what is causing the pain. 
So, of course I've thought about stopping. Every time I lose a baby, I think about next time, and that it could happen again, and maybe I just shouldn't try. Sometimes, it's just a brief thought, sometimes it's a serious consideration of where I'm at and what I want. 
Way back when, I'd thought that four would be a great number of kids to have. I loved the idea of it working out to have two boys and two girls. Everyone would have a sister and everyone would have a brother. Perfect. This journey has made me question all of that. Maybe we will go on to have four, but maybe we won't. Maybe we'll finally be blessed with another one, and then we'll decide to stop and not go through all of this pain again. I don't know. 
Right now, I'm not stopping. This is hard. It hurts like hell. But, I want another baby. I want a sibling for Bug. I'd love to have a daughter for Boy (although I'd be quite happy with either gender). And, I just simply want a baby, in a way I can't really explain, in a way that you can't really understand unless you've been here. Sometimes I feel a bit selfish when I think of the other ladies I know who haven't yet been blessed with a child to hold and are struggling to have just one. But it doesn't stop me. I want another one. I just do. Despite the fact that I have one - a great one. Despite the fear. Despite the pain. I'm not stopping. 

4 comments:

  1. Thank you for posting this. I understand this desire. And just because we already have one healthy child, it doesn't mean that our yearning for another one is not as valid as anyone else's. ((HUGS))

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