This blog is small glimpses into my heart and soul - attempts to be transparent with friends, and sometimes, to myself. This is my safe place, where I can come and be purely Ness.

Family: If you found your way here, please do me a favor and don't poke through my closets, ok?

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Unexpectedly Hard

I didn't expect this. I was all prepared to deal with another light pink line indicating another miscarriage, potentially even a few of them before we would be successful or decided to stop all together. I wasn't looking forward to it, but I knew what it would be like, and in a way, how to handle it. I knew I would survive and keep on, because I'd done it before. I was as ready as I could be to go through the loss.
I wasn't ready for two months of negative tests. Ha! I know how ridiculous that sounds. Even in the world of fertile people, two months is nothing. Nothing. In the infertile world, it's entirely laughable. So I understand if my words get under your skin, but bear with me please - I know that you do understand what it's like to stare at the empty space that would radiate pink if wishes, hopes, and dreams could force our bodies to bend to our will, and feel utterly disappointed. "Disappointed." It's not nearly a strong enough word to describe that feeling really. That moment when your soul seems to cave into yourself and the grief adds another layer to your already burdened heart.
So I know many of you have been through months and months of negative tests, and then following that months of painful procedures and meds that screwed with your body and mind - and then stared for the zillionth time at that empty space while your heart broke again. I know this doesn't compare, but I know at the same time that many of you have learned compassion for those going through different journeys experiencing pain in different ways, maybe even if it sounds ridiculous to you, so I'm bringing my courage and sharing with you still.

In some ways, I feel like we've experienced a strange mix of hyper-fertility and infertility. Remember that article that was going around a few months ago about recurrent loss possibly being caused by hyper-fertility - a woman's body accepting any fertilized egg, even if it wasn't a healthy one? Yeah. That made so much sense to me, because honestly, we've never had trouble getting pregnant before. I remember one time that it took us two months. That's it. But of course, six out of seven didn't stick around, and most of them were gone before the five week mark was reached.
So ridiculous as it sounds, this is new territory for me, and I really wasn't prepared for it. This has all hit me harder than I ever would have expected. I mean, shouldn't not being pregnant be better than going through another miscarriage? You'd think, right?
They do say that we seek the comfort of the familiar, even if that familiar is not really comforting. So I guess that's what I'm going through. As painful as the miscarriages are, they're familiar now. Two months of negative tests in a row - not familiar. Unfamiliar is scary to me. This is weird, new territory, and I'm not sure what to do about it. The very first time we decided to ttc, I knew that it could take a few months, or even several months before we were pregnant - I actually expected that. But then it only took one and has been that way ever since. I've dealt with the occasional negative during times we were trying to avoid pregnancy, but thought we might have slipped up; I've dealt with strong pink lines that led to weeks of utter fear, and for one, high hope brought crashing down to "no heartbeat;" I've dealt with staring at lightly positive tests knowing that I was staring another miscarriage in the face. I've never dealt with repeated negatives.

Seeing each negative test is bringing all this grief that I didn't expect and I find myself struggling to move past this cycle. Why is this so hard?! It's only two months of trying. Why am I still so incredibly sad about this? Three days ago, I knew that I really, really wasn't pregnant (although it took me another day to completely 100% believe it), and today I still woke up dragging through a deep sadness that doesn't want to let go. I need to get my life back into balance, to get a flow of normal, productive, giving-my-son-the-time-he-deserves kind of days, before we head back into going through all of this again in a few weeks. I need to be ok for just a little while.
I knew this year of ttc was going to have its difficulty and its hard times. I apparently just had no idea what it would actually be like.


  1. You're a beautiful writer, babe. I really love that I get a chance to read through your thoughts and feelings without interrupting you.

    1. :) You are kind of bad about that.
      Thank you, love.

  2. Girl, I get it. You are strong even when you don't feel strong.

    Love you and here's to hoping we get a chance to chat tonight. <3

    1. Thanks, Audrey. I'm really not feeling it today. Certainly could use a chat.

  3. I'm sorry. Sending love and strength...

  4. Oh boy do I ever get it! When I was TTC#2 the longest it took to get pregnant was 3 cycles. I often wondered if it was worse to continually miscarry or never get the BFP to start with. Well when TTC#3 started, I quickly learned that not getting a BFP robbed me of any hope of a baby. It was heartbreaking to go through loss after loss but at least there was the a hill or two on the roller coaster. When that ride was uneventful month after month, I longed for a faint pink line to taunt me. So, I totally get it. Huge hugs!

    1. I certainly hope this won't go on for too long, but who's knows what will happen now. I certainly don't have this all figured out like I thought.
      While I have much sympathy for those who go through months or years of BFNs I definitely don't have any desire to experience that side of this journey. This side has been quite hard enough. What a rough ride it must have been to go through both!
      I checked your blog and saw that you are pregnant again - Congratulations! I hope that all continues to go well!