This blog is small glimpses into my heart and soul - attempts to be transparent with friends, and sometimes, to myself. This is my safe place, where I can come and be purely Ness.

Family: If you found your way here, please do me a favor and don't poke through my closets, ok?

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Prayers I Breathe

Dear Jesus,
this is just me, trying to get through each day, desperate to hold your hand, to not give up on hope, to hold on to this life inside me. I'm praying and hoping and crying to let this baby live, to see a heartbeat, to make it through the first trimester with this little one still growing. It's different this time, and I'm just so hopeful, desperate for it to keep being different, to be able to hold this one, to cuddle them next to me, to see their eyes looking into mine, to watch for that first smile. I want this baby so badly, so very, very much. I believe you are doing a good thing, and I'm struggling with faith, with accepting that you do give good gifts, that your intention is never to bring great heartache into my life.
Save me from the fear that darkens my days, that works to draw my heart far away from all that is light and good. Show me how trustworthy you are, renew my faith in your love for me, your complete goodness. Oh, father, grant me peace, and this tiny, precious baby. Let this one be mine to keep. Heal some of the great wounds that have been left on my heart. Please, rework this idea that you bring pain in order to teach, because even though I don't really believe it, apparently I can't completely walk away from it, it's so branded in my spirit. But I truly believe you are more than that, greater than that, that you don't work that way. "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?"
I want to have complete faith in your love so that I'm not rocked by troubles that this world holds. I want to be able to rest completely in your presence without worry of fear for the future. Show me how trustworthy you are. How able to bring about good things. How you are willing to bring miraculously good things to me, for me. So many things you have brought me to trust you with - our finances, our home, our future employment - brought me there by showing me time and again how you've taken care of them for us. Please show me that I can trust you in this area, too. That I can trust you with this baby, that every positive sign of this baby's health hasn't been just a tease, the lead up to even greater heartache than it would have been without those things. Hold my heart so tenderly and carefully. Teach me how safe it is with you, how deeply I can trust you. Heal the wounds that have been left by the loss of so many babies before. So many "no" answered prayers. Oh, God, how much I want to walk forward with you, to be free of all the burdens my heart carries. I know that just having a baby can't make everything perfect, but I believe this journey, this pregnancy, can do so much good, learning to trust you again with each new day that I'm still pregnant and still afraid, still trying to learn your voice, to lean into it.
Carry me, father, as I carry this one. Bring us both safely to the hoped for end. Oh, won't you please? Please, Jesus.

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