This blog is small glimpses into my heart and soul - attempts to be transparent with friends, and sometimes, to myself. This is my safe place, where I can come and be purely Ness.

Family: If you found your way here, please do me a favor and don't poke through my closets, ok?

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Getting Ready

Every time we take another step towards being ready to try to conceive, my stress levels take another bump and I spiral a little farther. Everything becomes a bit overwhelming, and I'm wondering what the heck I'm thinking considering doing this again, especially since I'm so obviously failing at everything already on my plate.

I ended up doing another panel of blood tests when my current doctor finally got all of my records from my previous one. There were a lot of clotting factors that she wanted to check that hadn't been done yet. I have the result from all but one of the tests so far, and they are all normal. I should hopefully have the last result in the next few days and that's it - testing is done, there is no where else to go from here except ttc.  I'm currently on cycle day five, so that means we are facing this possibility in the next week. Those of you who saw my meltdown yesterday may understand some of why that happened. It's been two years since we decided to try to have another baby, and a year since we stopped after four losses. Getting back on this horse is pretty fear inducing.
After my initial collapse, and sobbing out all my feelings of failing at life, and not feeling capable of handling the things already in my life, while Boy tried really hard to be a good listener, which then led to a little nap, because I was oh so exhausted, we had a long talk. About our family, how we really like the way it is right now, but how I still have moments where I don't feel like it's finished, how I wonder if it's really fair to put everyone through the stress of ttc, and possibly more losses, or pregnancy after loss, and then the newborn sleepless nights and months of teething, and getting Bug to adjust to a new sleeping arrangement, and having to share Mama and "sidey," and going through three years old again, and ohmygosh, is it really what I should be doing?! And how can I choose this if I'm the only one in the house that wants a baby? Cause Bug says he wants a baby, but he really has no idea what that will mean to his life and the single-childness that he's come to know over the past four years. And Boy has always said that he's perfectly content with how our family is now, and he's fine with trying for another one, but it was basically for me, because I wanted one. Which has been ok in the past, but at times, especially now, feels like he doesn't really want another baby, and would prefer if we just stopped this craziness cause one child was ideal for him. So how do I keep going if he would rather we didn't and is only doing it for me? He tells me my needs and wants are important, too, but I guess this is something I struggle with and it just feels so unfair to put myself above them on something this big, difficult, and life changing.
Boy tells me that he can't put that on me. He can't say that he wants another baby, because if it doesn't work  he doesn't want me to feel guilty for not being able to give him another child. I know that this is a likely thing, so I understand his point of view. He also talks about the other side of it and not wanting to say that we shouldn't do this, because he doesn't want me to resent him in ten years because we didn't try. But, as we continue to work through all of this, he makes this statement, "I want another baby."
I knew I wanted him to be with me on this, or to at least know that he really wouldn't prefer to have just one child, but I didn't realize how much difference it would make until it was there. I feel more freedom in this now. I can go forward on this now, knowing that I'm not pushing something on him that he doesn't really want, and that he wants this with me. It's still hard for either of us to feel with certainty that the risks of going ahead are preferable to just stopping and staying where we are - I mean, if we are just going to go through losses and pain and not end up with a baby, then that doesn't really outweigh just staying as we are - but we both would prefer to have two children in our family. For me, this is a joyful thing. I'm so glad that I can share this with my Boy. I know this could be a very hard journey, but now I feel a bit more ready to start it.


  1. Girl, this is so big. I don't have any real guidance, but what I do know is that I've been there, and I'll be there, no matter what you choose. Give yourself some grace and know that you are so loved.

    1. Thanks, hun. I know you get this like only some can. I so appreciate your support. Been thinking about you a lot lately. i hope things are going ok for you.