This blog is small glimpses into my heart and soul - attempts to be transparent with friends, and sometimes, to myself. This is my safe place, where I can come and be purely Ness.

Family: If you found your way here, please do me a favor and don't poke through my closets, ok?

Monday, July 29, 2013

Happy All the Time vs. The Reality

Twenty two weeks pregnant. Baby T is kicking more every day. I can feel him getting stronger in there, and I think he's far more active than D ever was.
So I should be on cloud nine, right? I should be. I wish I was. Instead I find that the hormone phases are dragging me down, and I'm struggling with depression. I'm finally here and I'm depressed. It took an extra measure of push to make myself get out of bed yesterday, and not just because I was tired. I haven't hit the "I'm not sure I can get up" stage thankfully, because that's a bad sign, but this is a little step further than I've been in a while.
It only adds to the problem to feel like this should be a time when I'm incredibly happy and I'm not. It feels like I'm not appreciating it or I'm somehow betraying all the others who would literally give an organ to be in my position. I'm sorry. I really am. I want to be incredibly happy, but I can't seem to get there most of the time. I'm finally "making it", and I'm not enjoying all the moments.
I hate to live feeling like this. When nothing feels worth looking forward to, when each day seems like another thing to get through, when my patience for my son is short and I, in turn, am short with him. When tears for how hard it is are often near the surface.
A reassures me that I felt like this with D, which may not sound reassuring, but it reminds me that this will most likely pass, it probably won't be long term, or the beginning of a spiral. I know also that my previous hormone "swings" in this pregnancy have come for several days and then moved on, so I'm hoping for the same for this one. In the meantime, I'm realizing that I need to be a bit more proactive in trying to fight it. Hence this blog post - one creative outlet to try to process and diffuse some of the feelings, plus the crayons that came out last night to put some of it down in color. Back to decent bedtimes and more effort to get daily walks. Appointment with my therapist this week. Keep reminding myself that the light is coming. It will come.

It's not exceptional art, but its purpose is expression.
My promise to keep him safe, both inside and out, from the depression and 
anxiety that threaten.

According to my midwife, depression during pregnancy is not uncommon. Which doesn't really surprise me, but isn't something I've heard much about. If you're feeling depressed or struggling while pregnant, talk to someone. You're not alone. You're not broken. Bring it up at your next appointment. Your care provider can help you, even if you just need some tips for managing. And there are others out there who know what it's like and can give understanding and support. Also, prenatal depression does not make you a bad mother, even if it's trying to tell you that.


  1. No more putting benchmarks on what you should and shouldn't feel. Breathe through the moments, no matter how you feel. We support you.

    1. Thank, Audrey. I am a bit wary of the silent dirty looks, so I appreciate the support.

  2. I just wanted you to know that you are absolutely not alone! I went through HORRIBLE depression with my first pregnancy. Really, really bad. And I felt the same way you do -- I should have been happy and grateful (and I was!) but I just couldn't seem to get it all out there.

    Pregnancy after infertility I think it incredibly hard. I called it survivors guilt. I know you know it gets better, and I know you are aware of what is happening, but please just don't feel like you're alone (I hope you don't!)

    And while we only occasionally talk on twitter, please know that if you need an ear from somebody who has been through it, that I'm always available to chat!

    Hang in there, lady! I get it!

    Brittany (@bohotransplant)

    1. Thanks so much, Brittany. I'm definitely going to remember that when I need a chance to share.
      I'm not sure how much is survivor's guilt exactly for me, but I do think it's tied into all the previous losses with conflicting feelings about "why this one? why did I lose all the other ones?" It's just so bewildering carrying this guy when I lost so many.