This blog is small glimpses into my heart and soul - attempts to be transparent with friends, and sometimes, to myself. This is my safe place, where I can come and be purely Ness.

Family: If you found your way here, please do me a favor and don't poke through my closets, ok?

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

The Love of God

A family on Twitter experienced a second devastating loss, the kind of loss that shouldn't ever happen, but it does. Far too often. And hearts are breaking around the world.
I see so many friends wondering where God is, and why he does nothing. Where are the miracles and the blessings for these faithful people? I want to make it better. I want to take all the hurting people, all my aching friends and wrap them in a hug, give them the answers and peace their hearts long for. But I don't know why God chose to not give life here, why he didn't stop this tragedy, or the million other great and small tragedies that happen every day; why he didn't prevent the grieving hearts that so many of my friends have from their own losses and from sharing in the losses of others. I don't why he didn't choose one of my six babies that went before. Why my heart broke so many, many times.
But, I feel this little one kick, and wiggle, and I know he's real. I know he still moves, he still does miracles, that his love is deep and great. I carry a miracle. An amazing, awesome miracle. A gift. Why me and not so many other mamas that would give anything for their little ones? I don't know. Why this one and not JJ, Anastasios, Sayuri, Tacey, Aliento, or Nima? I don't know. But I do know, that even in those losses, his love was just as real, just as deep. I know he sat with me, and cared for me, and cried with me as my heart felt ripped from my chest. I know he never abandoned me, or hid himself, even when it felt like I couldn't find him.
I know he's there, and I pray that every aching heart will be given a chance to see him clearly. That his love will surround the pain they carry, and the very center of their ache will know his comfort. I love you all and my soul calls to God to ask him to make it abundant in your lives, that somehow we would "grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ," even amidst the tragedies.

My husband recently gave a sermon about grief, and though I cried through the entirety of it, it was one of the best things I've heard. Maybe it will bring comfort to someone else, too.

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