This blog is small glimpses into my heart and soul - attempts to be transparent with friends, and sometimes, to myself. This is my safe place, where I can come and be purely Ness.

Family: If you found your way here, please do me a favor and don't poke through my closets, ok?

Thursday, February 18, 2010


I hate this feeling. My sister and I have always had this inherent sense of competition between us. I don't know what causes it, why it's so much more present with the two of us than with all our other siblings, but there it is. And I hate it. I hate that I feel left behind sometimes when she's doing something new, or that I often feel like I need to show how I "one up" her on whatever story she's telling, or that I feel this need to do things first. Part of it is definitely personality. She's bold and outgoing. Not afraid to go for what she wants, or to demand what she feels she deserves. I, on the other hand, am more laid back and content in the background. I get nervous asking for small favours. But, I'm still the oldest, so she should have to wait for me, right? I should be able to get to things before she does. Marriage, babies, house, even little things - like writing a blog. This morning I wake to my sister's post, "trying this blogging thing." Urr! "Wait! I got there first! I already started one! I'm ahead of you! Really people, like last week, I started my own blog. Her idea isn't unique, it's just copying the rest of us!"
Everything in me wants to scream those words, to prove that I wasn't left behind again, that I'm right there, just a little bit ahead of her. I know, how childish. How immature and unwomanly. I'm fully aware of the stupidity of this, and how bad it makes me look, but I can't seem to shake it. I don't want to feel this way about her. I don't want to always feel in competition. I hate competition! It makes me antsy, and somehow feel less worthy. And, it puts such strain on our relationship. I love my sister. I wish we could just totally accept each other and where we are in life. I seem to be able to do that with all my other siblings, why not her?
Of course, the irony is that this blog was never meant for her to know about. Her, or any of the people who could look and judge who was "winning." So, I can't tell her about it. I can't prove that I got there first. I just have to accept that she has a "public" blog, and move on. A small exercise in moving past this juvenile competition that defines our lives.

Reality - now it will come down to who continues to write in their blog. Will I still be posting when life and a new baby have overwhelmed her time? Will she keep updating about the growing of her family while I have grown bored with taking the time to write? Who will be the blog writing winner?  
(frustration, frustration, frustration. Why can't I just let go?)

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