This blog is small glimpses into my heart and soul - attempts to be transparent with friends, and sometimes, to myself. This is my safe place, where I can come and be purely Ness.

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Thursday, March 4, 2010

I Had a Baby

"I had a baby, and now I don't have it anymore. I feel sad."
A fairly simplistic quote from a tv show, but a fairly accurate summation of my life right now. In some ways it's hard to imagine that this is the truth. How could it possibly be? Two weeks ago, I didn't even know I was pregnant. A week and a half ago, I was celebrating the new life within me with my family. Just over half a week ago, I miscarried. Again. It was all so fast. So unexpected from beginning to end. It almost feel like it never happened. I was never pregnant at all. Life goes on the same as it was before I found out. My husband goes to work each day. My son demands his mama's attention and love. And I move on, taking care of the things that need to be done. There were no cards given, no flowers sent, no outside sign to acknowledge the living and passing of this oh so tiny life.
But, they were here. Oh yes, they were. I have only to remember the excitement and happiness I felt when it had truly sunk in. I was thrilled to be pregnant again. I was calculating and making plans. Figuring out decisions that would have to be made in the future months. Watching what I ate and considering how it would affect the growing life. Talking about names and guessing gender. For one week. One week. That was all I was given. And then they were gone.
How did this happen to me again? I don't get it. How did God decide that I was one who was able to handle this? Someone who is so empathetic that she never intentionally watches a sad movie and constantly finds herself crying over tv shows. Someone who becomes so hard and fast attached to things that she'll turn the house upside to find a missing alphabet magnet. Does that sound like the ideal candidate for multiple miscarriages? Not that there is one, I suppose, but, why me?
I don't know. I don't get it, but it is me, and who knows how many more times it will be me. And perhaps next time it will be a little bit easier, and the time after that will be easier still. Because this time was easier than the last. I don't entirely know why, but maybe because they were with us for a shorter time? Or because we knew how easily it could happen? Or simply because we'd been here before and the terrain was familiar? I know that it was at least in part because of my precious Bug, having a child of mine to hold and hug, and not being simply left with empty arms. I am so grateful for him. He reminds me that just as it's likely that I will have more miscarriages, it's likely that I will have more children to hug and cuddle, too.
And so, somehow my heart was protected from the gut wrenching, world ending, spirit crushing grief that it endured last time, and is working now to heal from the simple sadness and loss, and occasional door slamming anger that has left new scars on my soul.
"I had a baby, and now I don't have it anymore. I feel sad."


  1. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how hard m/c is... I know what you mean about dreaming and thinking about the babe and it all going away. Sending healing blessings, and future baby dust to you so that you can have another little one soon :)

  2. I'm very sorry... Thinking positive thoughts for you, and sending you strength and peace...

  3. Thank you for the sympathy. It's very kind of you. And, I'll take all the baby dust you want to send!