This blog is small glimpses into my heart and soul - attempts to be transparent with friends, and sometimes, to myself. This is my safe place, where I can come and be purely Ness.

Family: If you found your way here, please do me a favor and don't poke through my closets, ok?

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Friends Are Friends Forever

I <3 Twitter. I've learned the twtspk (a lot of it anyway). Figured out how to share pictures. Followed hashtags. Made up hashtags. Joined Twitter chats. And made connections. I've been on there for about nine months now and I've met so many amazing people. I don't know what it is about Twitter, but the community on there is pretty fantastic. I suppose it's not the same for everyone, but that's been my experience, and it seems to be the experience of most of my "tweeps." The majority of the gals I know (and yes, they are basically all girls, with the exception of Boy, and a fellow barefooter I follow - who I may just drop [sorry] because he doesn't tend to respond when I tweet him, oh - and a couple of "famous" folk I especially enjoy) any ways... the gals are mostly "members" of the infertility community and they continually come around each other to support and encourage in whatever stage they are at, whether it be the infamous "two week wait," starting a new procedure, dealing with a "BFN" (big fat negative pregnancy test), going through a miscarriage, or, wonder of wonders, celebrating a "BFP" (positive test).
Yesterday, we realized that many of us have another thing in common - lack of close friends in the places where we live. We chatted and dreamed about living in a community all together, bringing these friendships in closer and being able to support each other in person (grow a garden, raise some chickens, keep a cow - there was also mention of flowers, a tractor and booze - we're all set!). It's a pipe dream, but I was humbled and honored that they all wanted to include me. It's so nice to be liked and wanted, you know?
Unfortunately, it got me wondering - would they continue to like me so much if they met me in person? I don't have a great friend history. I've always had a hard time making friends, and occasionally the people I thought were friends, really didn't care all that much about me. I've struggled for a lot of my life with feeling like people would really rather not have me around, like I annoy them. I've had very few truly trusted friends over my life - actually I can count them on one hand - and I don't have any here and now.* I don't really understand it, but it makes me wonder - would they still like me if they met me?
I like bubbly, energetic people, but they are usually not drawn to me. I'm sort of shy, and don't often say a lot, except when I say too much.  I am a perfectionist, and it tends to make me overly critical. The bad things stand out to me so much more than the good things. I can find the bad in anything. I have an overly strong urge to correct, which I am slowly learning to temper. I am too sensitive and it's not unusual for me to be emotional. I can usually control my words, but my facial expressions are another thing. I don't change directions or plans easily and I NEED to know everything that is going on. I procrastinate terribly, and I think of all sorts of lovely things to do for others, but rarely actually do them. I want to, but I'm bad at making myself actually do it, and I get nervous. I don't have a lot of guts. I'm always afraid of what other people think and how they will respond to me. I have the hardest time approaching people I don't know really well about almost anything - to say "hi," offer help, ask a question. I tend to be an observer and not a participator. On Twitter it would be so easy for me to sit back and just read, interacting only occasionally. Sometimes, I have to push myself to respond, to put myself out there, to share my thoughts, to encourage, support, and love. It's totally worth it, but it doesn't always come easily to me. Plus, I'm always afraid I'll say the wrong thing. (And apparently I have self esteem issues.)
And, in this community I wonder how I would fit -with my beautiful little boy, and my ability to get pregnant (although not stay pregnant). Would having me around be hard? Would they resent that I had a son with no difficulties? Would they be ok meeting me along as he wasn't there? Would I be an outsider because I have responsibilities to take care of him, and not the freedom to whatever, whenever?
I hope that we would still be friends in real life. I have great appreciation for all of these ladies and the love they show one another, they way they share their lives, their pain, sorrow, and joy. I hope that they would see in person the same things they see on Twitter - the love I want to give, the kindness I want to show, the heart I try to reveal. I love to laugh and dance and sing. I have a good sense of humor, even if it's often a little sarcastic. I'm loyal to a fault and quick to forgive. I'm honest and trustworthy. I value my friends and have a heart of generosity towards them. I have a gentle heart and hate to see anyone in pain.  I cherish my friends and always try to treat them the way I would want to be treated.
I would love to meet some of the online friends I have made - infertile community or not - and I hope it would just strengthen our relationships, bringing us closer together.

*I do have a few dear friends who are still dear to me, but we've grown (moved) apart a bit and don't talk as often as we'd like.

By the way - bonus points for anyone who can tell me what song that title is from.


  1. Friendship can be such a toughie. I make friends fairly easily, but my problem is that I'm so "weird" (Christian, extended bf'ing, cloth diapers, no vax, baby wearing) I have a hard time finding friends who really get me. I've often dreamed of a similar commune where all my online hippie Christian friends can live together!

    Also, I don't know the name of the song but I know the song: "Friends are friends forever, if the Lord's the Lord of them. And a friend will not say never, cause the welcome will not end...

  2. Good job on the song. :P :D
    I know what you mean. I know a few mamas at a local church here, but they are either pretty mainstream, or not nearly as "crunchy" as I am. Although, there is actually one that I'm finding is a bit more like me, but after a few bad interactions she doesn't talk about it very much. I would also enjoy a Christian/hippie commune!

  3. Except for the Christianity and the being drawn to bubbly people (over bubbly tends to annoy be quickly) you are my personality twin. Was kinda funny to read you describing me.

  4. :D Apparently we really do need to meet! @RNphotogirl said the same thing, too!
    And yes, not overly bubbly people, but ones with energy and who actually DO things. I admire that they don't have the fear I do.