This blog is small glimpses into my heart and soul - attempts to be transparent with friends, and sometimes, to myself. This is my safe place, where I can come and be purely Ness.

Family: If you found your way here, please do me a favor and don't poke through my closets, ok?

Monday, July 11, 2011

On Failing and Contenment

Finding myself struggling today. I've actually been struggling for a while now with feelings of failure. I think it's pretty common with those that have trouble carrying a child. Not being able to carry out this basic, intrinsic function can leave a women feeling less than, and incomplete, and not enough, and well, broken. It does a pretty good job on your self-esteem, often causing this feeling to flow out into other aspects of your life, and can make a gal feel like she's just not good at anything and is constantly failing. Well, at least that's my experience anyway.
I've been feeling like I'm failing as a wife, a mother, a home maker, and well, just being me and taking care of myself. So many days are made up of randomness, disorganization, and problems. We started this family schedule, but have we managed to actually make it through a day on the schedule? Maybe once. I'm gaining weight, not getting the exercise I want, and spending far too much time online. Boy is supposed to have time to work on some writing he is doing, but it's constantly being overrun by the family things that don't end up staying in their scheduled place. Bug is not eating well enough and spending far too much time watching television, which I can see in his whining and inability to imagine something that's not from his favorite show. Wow. Just writing this out is making me feel terrible. Of course, that's probably also partly due to the fact that it's twenty to twelve and I'm still up instead of in bed, where I should have been about two hours ago, since I am so short on sleep (therefore also everything else) lately. To sum up - I've been very miserable lately and feeling like I'm not good enough at anything.
In reading some posts by Emerging Mummy (If you aren't reading her, you should be. Her writing is beautiful and inspiring.) like this one, I've been realizing that my life is seriously missing some joy and contentment. I am certainly not happy right now. Here's the part I'm struggling with today - scripture tells us learning to be content is important, but I'm pretty sure how we are currently living is not very God honoring. How do I have contentment and welcome joy in, while realizing there are things in my life that need improvement, especially when considering trying to fix most of these things is incredibly daunting (like so overwhelming it keeps me from moving daunting)? How do I strive for a higher goal while still being content with how things are? I know I need the peace of contentment, but I also know that things can't go on as they are and changes need to be made. I'm currently so messed up inside, and this internal struggle and lack of answers is making my brain feel like it's bouncing around in my skull trying to get out. (It makes you understand why little kids have temper tantrums, because I'm getting closer and closer to wanting to throw things.)
The best I have tonight is the very real situation that I need far more sleep than I'm getting. First step - go to bed on time! Second step - seek God. That's all I've got. I need to find some way to make sense of this all, and they say he has the answers. Of course, even that seems daunting right now, and I'm really afraid that I'm going to fail at that too. Trying to make daily time for God has been difficult for several years, and I can't figure out how to make it work.
Somebody pray for me.


  1. I get that "falling behind in everything" feeling quite often too. I've been reading "Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong" and finding its approach quite helpful in my constant battle with anxiety and perfectionism.

    Life is always chaotic and we're problem solvers, which means we will always find problems to solve. You three share a lot of love, which means you're doing more right than wrong.

  2. Thank you, Hannie. Words of support are so very helpful.

  3. I am so sorry that you're struggling right now. I'm thinking of you and hoping that you find the calmness and relief you are seeking.

  4. Praying for you. Lately, my bible study has talked a lot about this: that we focus on all the things we are doing wrong and how it can overwhelm us into dispair and inaction. But really, the only thing we need to focus on is loving Christ, and if we really do that, all the rest will fall in place.

  5. Thank you, Calmantha and Kristal. And, thank you for the reminder of where my focus should be. I'm going to try to be more aware of that. (hugs) to all of you for your kindness.

  6. Sometimes I feel like you write the words in my head. It feels so strange and so silly to not be able bridge this gap to God considering it's what I 'do', but there is a very big disconnect that I can seem to overcome. Praying for you despite my inability to do much praying these days.

  7. That's such a compliment to me. Thanks, Jamie.
    I know what you mean about what we 'do.' I definitely don't feel like a typical pastor's wife, and I am sometimes afraid that if I was completely honest at an interview, DH would never be hired. I'm certainly not an "isn't Jesus just the best?!" kind of person, and although I would love to have more joy in Christ, I don't think I'll ever be that person.
    Certainly dealing with depression causes a major disconnect between us and God, and for me, that was a major time when things began to change. And while I feel largely past that time in my life (God willing, I'll never go back there), I am far from healed from it. Hard days and dark moments still happen, and the connection I had with God before that versus what I have now reminds me a bit of a plant that I have. It's a little variety of palm, not really sure what, but it came into my house with many and full leaves. Then my cats got to it. I thought for sure it was dead. There wasn't a single leaf left, just this dry brown stem sticking out of the ground. Because I don't often, you know, do things promptly, it sat there for a few weeks, and the next time I looked at it, it had these little leaves shooting out the top! It's far from looking like a real plant again, but it continues to persevere and the baby leaves just keep on growing. They occasionally get a little beat up again, but they are there, and that plant just keeps holding on. That's me - not dead and gone, not thriving, but little healthy shoots struggling through.
    I believe the connection will come back for us. I believe that as distant as things are, God is still working and feeding our hearts and nurturing that seed, and someday we will be flourishing plants.
    And, thank you - I treasure all prayers, and I will do the same for you.