This blog is small glimpses into my heart and soul - attempts to be transparent with friends, and sometimes, to myself. This is my safe place, where I can come and be purely Ness.

Family: If you found your way here, please do me a favor and don't poke through my closets, ok?

Monday, July 18, 2011

Still Standing Still (as my heart aches)

Exactly two months ago, we finally got in to see a gynecologist. The plan was to ask for testing to see if we could find a reason that I have five miscarriages. It didn't go how we hoped. We did the month of cycle monitoring, and then had to wait another two weeks for a follow up. That was today. The result - pretty much the same thing that went through at the first appointment - only less professional.
He came into the room, told my son to get off the "couch" and told me I had to sit there. Um, there's a reason I'm not up there already. I hate sitting up there. It makes me feel like a child. It makes me feel more vulnerable and less like a person with rights. We're already a bit crappy at speaking up for ourselves, so we shuffle around to our "appropriate" seats. I'm really not sure why this is an issue since Bug sat up there last time, and I definitely did not. But, maybe it has something to do with the young man standing in the corner, who we haven't been introduces to. I have to only assume he's a student doing some shadowing, since I get a glimpse of a McMaster badge hanging around his neck. Now, I have nothing against a student being in this appointment, but surely it would only be common courtesy to introduce him and make sure we are comfortable with his presence. Whatever.
He asks me how I am, what can he do for me?
"Um, I would like some testing, please?"
"Well, I see you are not pregnant."
No kidding. Didn't we have this conversation already? I'm not going to try until we can rule out causes of the miscarriages.
We are interrupted by his yelling at my son to sit down. Excuse me? Where exactly do you get off? Boy politely asks him if he having a bad day, because really he wasn't like this last time. He says no he's not, but this isn't the place for tots. He should be in the waiting room and not getting into my things. You mean the completely sealed package we immediate took away and move him away from? I try to explain that I need my husband with me and we haven't got anyone to leave Bug with, so here he is. He dismisses the issue.
We return to the frustrating circular conversation about whether or not he can do some tests for us. One moment it seems like he can, the next not. Essentially he says he has to have proof to report to the government on why he's ordering the tests. Without proof, he can't order them. There are no miscarriages and no reasons to do testing.
He says if we are "afraid" to get pregnant, that that is a different matter and we can check that everything is ok. What does that mean? What's the difference? At the end he tells us he can give us a referral for genetic testing "on patient request." (What does that mean? It won't be covered?) We accept it, cause it's all we've got right now, but it's not enough.
I'm looking at a clinic in Toronto, and so far it sounds ok - they have a specialist who is researching repeat pregnancy loss, but I'm so nervous that we will drive all the way down there, with hope for help, only to be told the same thing, "Sorry, nothing we can do without proof."
I was so anxious about this appointment for exactly this reason, and now it's staring me in the face. I'm still not moving forward. It took me ages to decide to do this, ages to get the appointment, and nothing. I have to start a new route somewhere and try to keep hoping someone will do tests without us obtaining more "proof."

God, I don't understand. Please, send us people who will help, and who will do so with compassion. Please let us be able to find some answers without having to first get "proof."


  1. Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry. This is the reason I haven't gone in for anything :( Why are they such jerks that don't think you have feelings?? Losing babies sucks, and it takes even more courage to even want to get pregnant than it does to go in for testing, and going in for testing takes a lot!!

    I am so so so sorry sweetheart. (((hugs)))

  2. Hun, do some serious research in your area and find a more supportive doctor. Ask friends for referrals, try to find local infertility chat boards & ask those women who they see and if they like who they are seeing. Do not give up just because you got one stupid asshole OB/GYN. (Sorry, there is no better word to describe that guy.)

  3. Kayce, thank you so much for the sympathy. It did take a lot to make the decision for testing, and I'm still freaked out about it, but finally at the place where ttc is scarier.
    Which is why I'm not giving up, TTCFoodie. But it's not going to be easy. This doctor was who my friends suggested. Any other doctor will require me to get a referral from my family doc (shouldn't be hard, but will take time), and then wait 3-4 months before they can get me in. Even then, there is no guarantee they won't say the same thing. It's simply the protocol put in place by the provincial health system. (although, yes this dr was a serious jerk today) I am going to try to find a doctor that is more flexible, but I just don't know if it's possible. There is a chance they could get in trouble if they don't follow the protocol. :(
    Anyways - so not giving up yet. I will keep trying until I've exhausted my options. Today was a beating, and I'm going to need a minute, but I'll get back up. Having you all cheering me on helps.

  4. Thank you, Jamie. I just continue to have bad experiences with people in the medical community, especially when it comes to the "lady parts." Oh that all doctors had compassion, and you know, manners.
    I'm really hoping that the next doctor will have a kind and gentle heart.